| From the Squawk Sheets |
compilots writes "
The following post is an addition to article86 (Complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots) Problem:
"Smoke in cabin."
Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."
Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."
Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."
Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to turn."
Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) won't track on the ground."
Solution: "System fully operational, flight suit insert inop (side stick controller)."
Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
Solution: "Turn up the volume."
Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeater un-viewable, looked like squiggly porn."
Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Balance."
Problem: "Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem 1: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Roaches in galley."
Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"
Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
Solution: "No cat this station."
Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."
Problem: "UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
Solution: "Found short between the headphones."
Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermittently on."
Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."
Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."
Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."
Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
Solution: "Green suit needs to up his weaties intake."
Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"
Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"
Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"
Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"
Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."
Problem: "Transponder inoperative."
Solution: "Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode."
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